People Love a Sad Story

The Loss of Love is something we can all relate to.  It's life.  And I, like many others lost that love, often in the most dramatic ways.  These experiences have changed my life and possibly created a different outcome.  I have morned that loss.  And I have cried many times alone. Invisible tears.

I, however, have always worn a smile regardless of how I felt inside.  I didn't talk about my feelings

with anyone and "acted" as if whatever had transpired, this emotional failure, didn't bother me at all.  But it did, to a very high degree.  Other people saw this as a sign of uncaring on my part, even though most of the time someone had done harm to me.

I recall an experience.  My high school boyfriend and I attended a party with all our good friends, including my ex best friend who had cheated with my current  boyfriend (at that time).  It was an uncomfortable scene.

I did what I had to do, I partied to keep myself from the situation.  Of course after many drinks I had to go to the bathroom and, unlucky for me,  I ran into her.  Now,  this all happened very quickly; she started talking to me, grabbed me, pulled me into the bathroom and locked the door!!! Yes, the

bitch locked the door.  I was in disbelief.  I thought she was joking.  I tried to open the door.  She got in front of it and basically wrestled me away from the door. She was forcing me to talk to her.

And trust me, the only thing I was doing was sitting at one end of the restroom sofa. I was scared as fuck.  I hoped my silence would make her let me out,  ASAP.  I tried to remain calm, but inside I was screaming.  She talked at me for the longest time and to this day I can't really remember what she said. All I was concerned with was getting out.  I was suffocating.  I was anxious.  I was trying to keep from freaking out.

Finally she let me out !!! I, RAN OUT.

Guess what?  When I ran out everyone ran to her and asked her if, "she was ok."  As if I had forced her into that room and locked the door on her.  I had been so frightened while she held me hostage and so scared of what she could do to me.  Although she was the culprit, it was I who was later referred to as, calculating, bossy, flirty, and a tease.  I was so upset.  But of course I could not verbalize or show it.  Even my boyfriend didn't ask if I was ok. Everyone's attitude towards the "hostage" situation made me more upset.  I managed to ask him to take me home.

I suffered the betrayal but because I didn't react, everyone blamed me

for everything.

I have always been the second smallest everywhere I've gone. People have always tried to bully me.  Most of the time I've managed to stand up for myself.

I can't tell you all of my sad stories,  but what I can tell you is,  I'm not my sad story.    I don't want a pity party.   I don't want that to define me though it is of course part of me.  Although at times I'll be misunderstood,  I stay strong, be a leader,  not too stubborn, not too naive and always be a good person.

Today I am a trained professional actress and today is my story, not my past not my bad experiences not my sad story.

 Regardless, I will always carry a smile.